Scarred Innocence
We live in a nation in which child abuse and neglect have reached epidemic proportions. Over 2 million children a year are abused or neglected and 2,000 children a year die due to such abuse.
Since becoming involved with the Court Appointed Juvenile Advocate (CAJA) program, an affiliate of the National Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) Association, I have been made aware that children, who are victims of this despicable statistic, often become dependent on a legal system that is, at best, cumbersome and moves at a snail-like pace while the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health of each child is affected for life. Multiple placements in foster care for such children are common. During my stint as a Hospice volunteer in Colorado, I learned of the “stages of grief” as they related to death and dying. I was also made aware that these same symptoms prevail in any loss—regardless of type, time or perceived tenuousness. However, it was many years later, through a painful personal family disaster, I realized the effect loss has on children in troubled homes and the scars it leaves on the souls of abused, neglected or displaced children.Having no children of my own, I, like many used to speak in a hushed, protecting tone of voice around children in a family who had someone dying, in the case of Hospice care, or who were members of a family experiencing another kind of crises when I was there to counsel or to lend support. The perception is that children don’t understand such things. We avoid upsetting them by skirting the issue, whispering, ignoring their questions or giving evasive answers to minimize the seriousness of the moment. Sometimes adults are so caught up in just surviving, a child’s voice is lost in the den of circumstance. Perhaps we feel so inadequate to reassure and communicate when we, ourselves, don’t understand all that is happening—we can’t control our own world and we somehow feel better if we can control and protect the world of our children at least for a little while. Consequently, they sit alone, they think alone, they fear alone, they cry alone, and they face loss alone.
Regardless of the health or dysfunction of a child’s family, innocence makes no room for loss. Loss first encountered changes a life forever whether the experience is the death of a pet, the loss of a friend or family member, or the critical loss of a sense of well being that plunges a tender soul into a tornado of chaos. At such times, it is absolutely imperative that a child be embraced, talked to, and included—not ignored. Regardless of our good intentions and right motives, avoidance is communication and it exacerbates fear. Reassurance desperately needs to be communicated to every child in an age-appropriate manner.
The experience of loss does not become the defining moment in our lives—it’s how we respond to the loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction and the impact of our lives.
Any separation has a negative effect on a child even if the separation is in the best interest of the child. In the event of the removal of a child from a primary attachment figure, it can be expected to take two years for the child to be able to reach a place of resolution. Because of the effect of loss and grief, children cannot emotionally survive separation followed by multiple placements.
Loss after loss causes the ultimate loss of hope. Those who become hopeless become helpless and directionless. Loss causes mistrust of authority figures and negatively impacts self-esteem. The child comes to believe he is “nobody’s child.”
For children, grief caused by loss is composed of a million moments of broken connections. Even infants and toddlers react to loss. The grief process and symptoms will vary from child to child depending on the age and temperament of each child. However, to not recognize or discuss their loss does not take away their pain; it only increases their sense of isolation and abandonment. As adults, we need to understand their concerns, their fantasies and their fears as real—they are!
There are many small losses in a person’s life and this is especially true for adolescents. They experience the death of their early childhood as they struggle between wanting to be independent and fearing separation. When adolescents experience the loss of a family, they are often left even more bewildered in their search for identity. Often inner-city adolescents grieve differently than others—their emotions are suppressed and relationships often remain surface due to frequent losses and the violence surrounding them. Because of these factors, adolescents are considered a high-risk group and need specialized and concentrated attention.
Loss sometimes is interpreted as betrayal by life or by a significant other. This can intensify and complicate the feelings of loss and dictate the responses and recovery of the victim. Betrayal is a stone that shatters the window of the soul. If the window holds together, the view through it is distorted. The most grievous characteristic of betrayal is that it always comes from someone in whom you have invested trust.
Betrayal breeds conjecture; conjecture creates a mindset of discouragement, depression and defeat, which then can dictate actions and responses. These actions and responses, in turn, set us up for more failure. This cycle must be broken by rebuilding trust and by viewing each future situation as unique—learning from the past, but not projecting the past experiences into the present to predispose the future. While no doubt the vision will always be affected to some degree, the objective is to repair the “shattered window ” and minimize the distorted view in future situations and relationships.
- Become aware of children’s development stages and reactions to loss.
Become aware of grief responses, i.e., denial, anger, guilt, etc.
Listen, listen, listen to children. Observe their behavior and timber of their voices. Be alert for word clues that may reflect their fears, concerns and feelings of guilt.
Listen with sensitivity. Answer the feelings behind the expressions and not the expressions themselves. Expressions are like the fever of the soul, which always points to a deeper problem.
It’s important to find out what the child wants to talk about, and let him/her guide the conversation. To give direction to anyone, you must first find out what direction they are presently going.
Honesty is necessary and simplicity is valuable. We need to not tell all the truth at one time, but always tell the truth.
Never belittle the problem/feelings or minimize its seriousness for the sake of false reassurance. Integrity in this area will help build a trust relationship in which healing can take place.
Don’t relax discipline on the child because of his/her situation. Boundaries and structure create an atmosphere of safety even when the boundaries and structure are resisted.
Allow room for friction.
Express love and affection verbally and physically.- Be willing to say, “I don’t know.”
- Don’t make promises you can’t keep later just to make the child feel better temporarily.
- Make yourself available—wherever you are, be all there!
- Always hold out hope.
About the Author
Sharen Barrett is a former Hospice Volunteer with twenty-five years experience speaking/teaching Christian seminars, workshops, retreats and conferences. She compiled “Good Grief, Who Needs It?” , (addressing faith vs. grief and emphasizing practical ways to reach and minister to those experiencing grief and loss) for presentation in churches. She served on Colorado local and area boards for Women’s Aglow International Founder and as Program Manager of Heart of God Ministries. Ms. Barrett has fifteen years experience in Police Department Administration and is presently employed as Administrative Assistant for Court Appointed Juvenile Advocate Program in Huntsville, Alabama.© 1999 Sharen Barrett. All Rights Reserved.